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杀人的感觉是怎样的?

杀人的感觉是怎样的?

原作者:Tommy Winfrey  汤米·温弗里 圣昆汀州立监狱犯人

译者:consideRay

我想这大概是我回答过的最私人的一个问题吧。我现在也一直在问自己这个问题,刚刚还在思考自己找到的答案。我的答案其实很复杂,也很难准确地表述自己当时的感觉。即使到了现在,我仍然觉得杀人是一件很难讲清楚的事。

我想最好还是从事情的开端说起吧。我夺走别人生命的时候才19岁。现在回想起来,我可以说是同辈的压力使我变成了杀人犯。那时候如果我被别人欺负了,我会觉得自己是个没用的废物。我那时是个毒贩,我想这是很不光彩的工作。我现在知道这些了,但我当时可没有想过自己光不光彩。我当时的生活状态也十分糟糕,我有很严重的毒瘾。我觉得生无可恋,我不珍惜自己的生命,同样我也不在乎别人的生命。如此种种的情感交织在一起使我感受到了生命的无力,于是我举起了凶器。

正因我的一时想不开而导致一个生命的离去。虽然这是一件令人羞耻的事,但当我扣动扳机的一瞬间,我感到一阵轻松,我觉得我终于为自己站起来了。那时我是失去理智了,但现在我理解到了我的朋友大卫·门罗所说的“受伤的人伤害别人”。我那时真的很受伤,但我不知道怎样去寻求帮助。

我在很长的一段时间里一直为自己的所作所为辩护。但在我内心深处,我一直都知道杀人这件事是不可以辩护的。我承认自己感到害怕,孤独,不值得被爱、被尊重。当承认了这些感觉之后,我开始认真思考自己杀人这件事,还有我对这个世界的影响。这对我来说很不容易,但在十五年之后的今天我终于想通了。

现在我很痛恨自己杀了人。我觉得自己夺走了被害人一家的幸福,这使我感到非常悔恨。我觉得自己放弃了让家里人真正了解我的机会。我觉得我让整个社区都充满了恐慌。我觉得我对整个世界带来了不可磨灭的伤害。我欠下了我一辈子也还不了的血债。我对自己的所作所为充满了罪恶与羞愧。

毫无疑问,决定去杀人是我这辈子最大的错误。我甚至已经想不到合适的词来形容我杀人的感觉。但我可以说的是,我不想其他人有跟我一样的感觉。

注:犯人与外界的沟通是由志愿者帮助完成的,这是因为犯人不能够使用互联网。这次跟Quora的合作是圣昆汀的最后一英里计划(The Last Mile San Quentin)的一部分。

原文地址:http://www.quora.com/Murder/What-does-it-feel-like-to-murder-someone

 

英文原文:

Without a doubt this is probably the most personal question I think I could ever answer. This is a question I have been asking myself for a very long time now, and just coming to grips with the answers I have found. To say my answer is complex, and that I am going to have difficulties expressing exactly how I have felt, and still feel about murdering someone, is an understatement.

I guess the beginning would be the best place to start. When I took another man’s life I was just nineteen years old. Looking back now, I can honestly say I felt immense peer pressure to go through with the murder. I felt like I would be seen as a weak punk if I let another man get over on me. I was a drug dealer, and I felt I had a reputation to uphold. I can see all this now, but at the time I could see none of this. I realize now I was in a very bad place in life. I was in the midst of a serious drug addiction. I felt worthless and unworthy of love, so in return I placed little value on my life or on the life of anyone else. All of these feelings made me feel so powerless in life, I lashed out.

My lashing out cost another human his life. I am ashamed to admit it, but at the time I felt a great weight was lifted off my shoulders when I pulled the trigger. I felt like I had finally stood up for myself. I was completely irrational. I realize now it is like my friend David Monroe always says, “hurt people, hurt people.” I was really hurting and I didn’t know how to ask for help.

I continued to justify my actions for a long time, but somewhere deep inside I have always known that there was never any justice in taking someone’s life. Admitting to myself I was feeling scared, lonely, unworthy of love and respect was just too hard. Also, by admitting these feelings, I would also have to come to grips with what I really did, and how I affected the world. This was a hard prospect for me, but I am finally there over fifteen years later.

Now I feel sadness over murdering someone. I feel I have robbed my victim’s family of the most precious thing in life. I feel immense sorrow for this. I feel I have robbed my family out of truly ever knowing me. I feel like I have created fear in my community. I feel that I have done the world a great disservice, and that I owe a debt that I can never fully repay. I am full of guilt and shame over my actions. I never want anyone else to feel the way I do.

All communications between inmates and external channels are facilitated by approved volunteers since inmates do not have access to the internet. This program with Quora is part of The Last Mile San Quentin. Twitter: @TLM

 

 


杀人的感觉是怎样的?
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