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作为傻子是什么感觉

作为傻子是什么感觉

原作者:匿名作者

以下的经历虽然离奇,但确实是我亲身经历:

我受动脉系统疾病折磨长达数年,它使我心脏及大脑供血减少,并导致神经系统中维生素B缺失(维生素B有助心脏自我修复)。在理论上很难解释清楚,但疾病使我变得健忘、迟钝和容易疲惫。我能感觉这样的自己及与以前相比,就像傻子一样。而我的确也是。

最初我感到很惊慌,我知道自己不对劲,但又不清楚是哪里不对劲了。这让我为工作很担忧,因为现在我不再像以前那么能干了。

在我习惯并释然之后,却觉得这样还不赖。尽管还在为疾病担忧,但我快乐得像在泥巴里打滚的猪一样。我不再对愚钝的人有偏见,在工作上也放弃了很多任务,减轻了负担,因此我能舒适地欣赏一场电影而不用担心被公事打扰(在生病之前我有个昵称:comic book guy。译者注:卡通片《辛普森一家》中漫画店店主),并且很享受这种懒散,有种塞翁失马焉知非福的幸运感。与朋友的感情也有改善。我更加理解朋友了,特别是一位以前一直觉得他有点呆滞的友人,其实他是一位睿智深沉的人,只是以前自己没耐性去了解他罢了。我有更多的时间思考人生,生活也变得更有意义了。美中不足是,除了必须争取在工作上保持好表现,必须记下每一样东西以防忘记外,我不再对科幻小说感兴趣了,虽然这看似并没那么重要。(虽然这有点土,但我不是说笑的。)

更多致命的并发症出现后,医生体检发现我有两条主动脉完全闭塞(三条主动脉中的两条完全闭塞,他们也很吃惊我竟然还活着,后来发现我拥有异于常人的强大的外部血液循环系统)。之后我进行了动脉扩张手术重新疏通了两条主动脉并最终痊愈。

大约一年多后,我恢复得像以往那样“聪明”了,尽管我比以前那个“聪明”的我更容易分心,依然懒散,工作任务也少接了,但却比以前对人更有耐性了。很多人依然觉得我擅长社交。并且我再次对科幻小说入迷了。

在一个非比寻常的经历下,这是一种非比寻常的感觉,曾经聪明的人变成傻子的感觉。一方面,这是一个很好的再学习过程,尽管另一方面这确实也是我必须面对的不幸。穿过鞋的,谁还愿意光脚呢。显然,活着还是最好的。

总之,大多愚钝的人并不知道自己愚钝,而我却有幸感知他们的世界。对愚钝的人的不满的感觉比成为一个愚钝的人更糟糕,即便你知道自己脑子有问题。

原文地址

英文原文:

The following is an account of a true but unusual experience (I’m not a doctor and I’m only telling my story, to the best of my understanding):

I had an undiagnosed arterial problem for a couple of years, which reduced the blood supply to my heart and probably to my brain too, and seemed to have depleted B vitamins from my nerves (probably to keep the heart in good repair). Although there is some vagueness as to the mechanisms, this made me forgetful, slow, and easily overwhelmed. In short, I felt like I was stupid compared to what I was used to, and I was. The symptoms were very atypical for what was eventually revealed to be a fairly typical heart condition.

It was frightening at first because I knew something wasn’t right but didn’t know what, and very worrying for my career because I was simply not very good any more.

However, once I got used to it and resigned myself, it was great. Even though I knew I had a worrying illness, I was happy as a pig in mud. I no longer had the arrogance of being frustrated with slow people, I abandoned many projects which reduced a lot of stress, I could enjoy films without knowing what would happen (my nickname before this used to be ‘comic book guy’ if you get the reference, on account of always knowing what would happen and being quite contemptuous of the writer’s simplicity), and I became amazingly laid back and happy go lucky. I got on with people much better. I developed much more respect for one of my friends in particular who I always considered slow – it turned out he is much deeper than I thought, I just never had the patience to notice before. You could say I had more time to look around. The world just made more sense.

The only negative, apart from struggling to perform at work, and having to write everything down, was that I no longer found sci-fi interesting – it just didn’t seem important. (I’m not joking, although it sounds like a cliché.)

Injections of B12 every other day, for a month helped a lot, but I was still not right. Cornflakes also helped a bit (due to folic acid I suspect, which I’m now on a daily dose of). The issues did not go away though, which included the cognitive issues, feeling cold all the time, numb fingers, and being prone to snoozing.

Eventually after more physical and life threatening symptoms developed I got the right tests and they found my arteries were blocked up. Two of the three main coronary arteries were completely blocked – they couldn’t work out how I was alive, and had avoided any angina or a heart attack. I later found out that I had unusually good peripheral circulation, probably from the intense cycling that I was very fond of.

I’ve since had stents to open up the arteries again and made a full recovery of all symptoms. Physically I felt like superman the first time I got back on my bike and raced up a local hill at about 30mph. And mentally, the difference was equally startling.

After a year or so I am almost as ‘clever’ as I used to be, although I tend to ignore distractions more than I used to and focus on a smaller number of projects. I’m still more laid back than I used to be though, and have more patience with people. Most people still find me more socially competent. I also enjoy sci-fi again.

So an unusual perspective, from a fairly unusual circumstance, but that’s what it feels like to be stupid when you used to consider yourself fairly bright. In some ways it was a great learning experience, although obviously in other ways it is a life changing fact I have to live with. Heart disease cannot be cured, just the consequences relieved for a while; I’ll have to live a healthy lifestyle for the rest of my life and even so, be subject to future procedures. Not many people get to walk about in other peoples shoes, and then more or less pick up where they left off. It’s also obviously nice to still be alive.

In short I would say that the frustration of dealing with slower people is worse than being one of the slower people, even if you know you are slow. I suspect most people who are relatively slow, don’t know it, but I think I’ve glimpsed how they experience the world, and actually, I quite liked it.

Update: Since I wrote this, several studies have linked memory problems and other cognitive issues to cardiovascular disease.


作为傻子是什么感觉
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